I was just sitting on my living room floor staring at my foot, when I remembered that I had a blog (!) and that I'd taken some nice, springy pictures on Saturday, and I should post them. This is what happens when you're out of the habit...
While I examined my foot, I was thinking about how people are always so eager to define themselves, put limits around their personality. The topic was on my mind because lately I've been thinking, "oh, I wish I were one of those really, chill people," by which I mean a sort of imaginary hippie girl in a peasant blouse and a breezy long skirt, who lets things sort of roll off of her while still managing to wish everyone well - who isn't petty or always weighed down with exaggerated concern over what others are thinking /feeling / doing.
Then I thought, isn't it funny that I would like to be 'one of those people,' instead of just thinking that I, such as I am, should try not to spend as much energy on worrying?
And then my mind wandered again until I caught myself thinking about how very often, people who don't know me well mistake me for 'one of those people,' since I don't tend to emote - yes, I sometimes pass undercover as an unambitious, unworried, live-and-let-live-type. But, I thought, if I'm mistaken as such, then I can't truly be the jittery neurotic that I become a few times a year at least.
Which made me think, "there I go again, thinking 'am I like this' or 'am I like that?' Why is it not possible to say, "I FEEL anxious," instead of "I AM anxious," or "today I feel unhappy," instead of "I AM unhappy?" Why the temptation to sort ourselves into types or archetypes - worrier, slacker, rigid controller, obsessive compulsive person, spendthrift, miser, outgoing, reserved, etc.? It's funny how the dilemma of 'who am I?' and 'what am I like?' doesn't really get left behind with adolescence - and we're so endlessly curious about ourselves.
I use "we" and "our" because I don't think I"m alone in doing this. But I think I would do well to retire this imaginary flower-child for fiction, and just focus on living. I suspect that's the only way to really learn to manage...
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